One of my favourite words is sonder. Not to say but to think about*. It’s the feeling when you realise that everybody has a life in which they are the main character.

1. the feeling one has on realizing that every other individual one sees has a life as full and real as one’s own, in which they are the central character and others, including oneself, have secondary or insignificant roles:
   In a state of sonder, each of us is at once a hero, a supporting cast member, and an extra in overlapping stories.

The freedom of sonder

I find the idea freeing. It can help me to get out of my own head.

A lot of my overthinking comes from imagining myself as the hero of the story, being watched (judged) by the reader, watcher and every other character. Everything is being monitored.

It’s freeing to realise that others also think of themselves as main characters. Their actions seeming to matter in an outsized way. I know that I am not constantly judging them, not watching their every step (or misstep), and so the logic follows: if I’m not judging them, they’re probably not judging me.

Thinking of myself as an extra in somebody else’s storyline is not difficult – not difficult to picture, and easy to perform. Pressure’s off. Let them take the lead; I’ll be the supporting character.

Sonder in everyday life

Weddings

Weddings are great examples of experiencing sonder. The couple are the main characters, there is a supporting cast of direct family members and the wedding party but there is a wider net of extras too. They have their own fun, loosely linked to the main characters but not wholly dependent on them. They may not see the couple for more than five minutes in the day. They know they’re not the main character for the day because that role is filled.

It’s the experience of sonder, even if you don’t think about it.

Our lives as computer games – the flip side of sonder

There’s a term from computer games, “non-playing character” (NPC). It’s a (pretty funny) insult to throw out about people who are being deemed irrelevant. You’re at a party where you know most of the people there, you’re having a good laugh and a friend says, “Who’s the NPC in the queue for burgers?” Harmless but fairly biting.

The idea clashes with my narrative around sonder. The humour in it comes from the assumption that we aren’t NPCs ourselves.

In reality we’re all NPCs, it just depends on the game that’s being played.

The reality

For some the realisation could be depressing but I find it freeing; who cares when nobody cares? It is the cure for overthinking people’s opinions (and whether they even have them).

It could be upsetting to think that nothing matters – why bother? I can understand that but it’s worth thinking about the perspective it brings. Think about the opportunity for happiness when there’s nothing on the line, you can do things for the sake of doing them. You can focus on doing things that bring you joy only, when there isn’t any external motivation.

Only a moment

In a way, the word is describing the moment of realisation, rather than what you are realising. It is a great moment.

For me, sonder is something that recurs from time to time. I could be out for a run, sitting in a restaurant or watching TV. I sometimes feel envy of success or I feel sorry for people who are upset. Mainly I think; everyone is experiencing their lives within their head, I wonder what it’s like. Their story seems fascinating to me in that moment. They are the most interesting person in the world all of a sudden and I’m not judging them, I’m just in awe.

If they’re doing something spectacular (like when watching professional sports) it’s easy to be in awe but equally if they’re going through a massive struggle (describing a personal loss, for example) I can still be in awe. Good actors can inspire it, it doesn’t have to be real. I can be in awe of the person or character going through a struggle that I can only imagine.

I think about how the type of people who consider NPC the ultimate put down are stuck, sonderless. If you always think you’re a main character there’s pressure in that. The sports star has the spotlight on them, the person suffering has the suffering.

The next time that I am in my head, overthinking someone’s opinion of me or overthinking something I have done, I will try to remember the feeling of sonder. The person whose opinion I’m worried about is the hero in their story. While I may be their villain in my head, in reality I am more likely only an extra** or an NPC.

I can focus on living my own story and not worry about how my character is portrayed in somebody else’s. That’s the beauty of sonder.

People who’ve said it better than me

You’ll worry less about what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do.

David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

Here comes the truth; it’s not about you.

The Wrecks, Sonder

Knowing that I needn’t project a facade of flawless competence before I can start daunting work or reach out to others – because I understand that everyone else has a similarly messy inner world – leaves me far more likely to do so. (emphasis mine)

Oliver Burkeman, Meditations for Mortals

There is at the heart of this anger a pang of existential melancholy: we play only peripheral parts in the lives of our friends. They are the chief protagonists of their own dramas; to them, we are merely supporting cast. In the same way that the complexities of a minor character can never be fully explored, we too are reduced in the eyes of those who know us to a handful of clear-cut characteristics as predictable and easily categorised as our dress sense.

Derren Brown, Happy

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*I was going to use the word ponder but the pressure to rhyme throughout would have been too much.

**As long as I’m not one of the extras that has no lines and gets killed off in the background.